these buckets of fat

these buckets of fat I fill like water from a well

leave drops of remembrance on my skin

the shape I once held in my hands

the starvation I relished

the stares I needed

the smiles I craved

these buckets of fat will drown me some day

bloat and pucker til it all falls away

and I can finally be the skeleton I always wanted

I dream that I’m falling

and I wait for the ground to rise against me

it’s the first dream I’ve had since I stopped drinking

I’m afraid it might happen every night

and those shot glasses I’ve stored on the top shelf

are shiny with dust

they glitter like diamonds


the north star is not constant

it is not bright

it moves and flickers

and if you are lost you cannot trust it

My compass rattles and I wonder if hoping,

if wanting home enough will get me there

the north star is not constant

it pulsates in size and tricks your heart

I don’t know if I have enough time

If you’ll wait long enough

I am looking up, up, up


you won’t be there it blinks at me, a million miles away

I hope I made you happier in some way


Kate LaDew is a graduate from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro with a BA in Studio Art.  She resides in Graham, NC with her cat, Charlie Chaplin.