these buckets of fat
these buckets of fat I fill like water from a well
leave drops of remembrance on my skin
the shape I once held in my hands
the starvation I relished
the stares I needed
the smiles I craved
these buckets of fat will drown me some day
bloat and pucker til it all falls away
and I can finally be the skeleton I always wanted
I dream that I’m falling
and I wait for the ground to rise against me
it’s the first dream I’ve had since I stopped drinking
I’m afraid it might happen every night
and those shot glasses I’ve stored on the top shelf
are shiny with dust
they glitter like diamonds
polaris
the north star is not constant
it is not bright
it moves and flickers
and if you are lost you cannot trust it
My compass rattles and I wonder if hoping,
if wanting home enough will get me there
the north star is not constant
it pulsates in size and tricks your heart
I don’t know if I have enough time
If you’ll wait long enough
I am looking up, up, up
wanting
you won’t be there it blinks at me, a million miles away
I hope I made you happier in some way
__________________________________________________________________________
Kate LaDew is a graduate from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro with a BA in Studio Art. She resides in Graham, NC with her cat, Charlie Chaplin.
